Our conversation about sorting things out wouldn't be complete without addressing our friendships. They can be pretty tough to sort out and navigate; tougher still to see them grow, deepen, and flourish in health over the years. Why do you suppose that is? We want them. We're willing to carve out time and put our energy and heart into them. We need them. We long for our friends to "be there" for us when the road gets rough.
In The Friends We Keep, by Sarah Z. Davis, she describes the space that develops - from small sleights, larger hurts, misunderstandings - and grows to potentially friendship-threatening proportions. We are unsure what to do. We wonder if maybe we should do nothing and hope it will get better. Sarah says there is another kind of space between us.
"It is the space we need to save ourselves or even to preserve our relationship. One of the Hebrew words for "salvation" is also used to mean "space". And there are times when that space can save us. Space can give us perspective, time to breathe, time to listen."
She ponders how we can give space to our friendship without the risk it will fade away. After all, we can be uncomfortable with silence. We don't know how to handle space-creating emptiness, disappointment, and loss.
Sarah reminds us that, "Space allows us to grow, and without it we are stifled, our growth stunted. When we grieve we want to rush to feel better so we don't hurt, rather than allow space for that grieving. When things aren't right with another person we care about, we often rush to fill the space, forcing things to surface that are not yet ready...
How do we know what a friend requires? Sometimes we just don't know, even when we've known her through many of life's seasons. Sometimes we don't know what we want for ourselves. Sometimes we get what we need, only to find we don't need it anymore. And anyway, even if we do know what to do for our friend at one time, it may not be that way next time. The point is we can never stop paying attention...There are times in friendship when we need to simply accept what people are able to give. That is part of being a friend. It is necessary to put away the expectations, the goals, the fixing and longing for how it could be, and simply be and allow our friend to do the same."
- What relationship in your life has some space now - or needs some space now?
- As you think about this how do you describe the difference between space and distance?
- Is there another question you need to ask that would take you to the real issue?
- Where do you need to pay attention? Where have you stopped paying attention?
This is a challenging conversation. Thank you for the courage to share your thoughts!
Please check out my new book Called Into Motion: Lesson Plans for Life for more provocative discussions. Get one for a friend too!
Blessings,
Beth
Thursday, September 27, 2012
Monday, September 24, 2012
Sorting It All Out
I had the privilege and great fun of spending time with two groups of amazing women this week. I so appreciate how open and honest you all are, how you share your wisdom and allow me to pass it on.
We talked of mothering for the first time and all the challenges and joys inherent in that. We spoke of the things that bring stress and how we cope, in both healthy and unhealthy ways. We barreled head on into what we fear and how lost we are some days; questioning our competence at even the simplest tasks. We find it hard to concentrate or focus. What in the world happened? We NEVER used to feel like this. Is this a permanent condition? Will we be like crazy, spacey Aunt JoJo now?
We tuned into our hearts and listened to what we are really longing for. We took some time to consider what is most important, what our strengths and abilities are, how we get in our own way, how to express our true selves and lay claim to all that we are.
Underneath all of this wonderful thinking, creating, and sharing is the question, "How am I supposed to do all of this? Really. Seriously. How?" Isn't this truly at the core of it all? As women we hear, loud and clear, the message that if you are not doing it all you must be slacking. Let's stir the pot with the many conflicting messages that mess with our heads. Your husband and children come first. Putting yourself first is selfish. Put yourself at the top of the list. Be sweet. Be assertive. Give people what they ask for. Learn to say NO. Be a stay at home mom. Be productive and have something for yourself. Give your kids constructive, scheduled activities. Just let your kids play. Don't get caught up in looks and appearances. Always look your best. There are more important things than an immaculate house. Your home is a reflection of you. Simplify your life. Keep up or you'll get left behind. That's just a sampling and I'm feeling kind of dizzy. What messes with us is that there is some truth in each. It's what makes it so hard to sort it out.
One woman told me how she turned herself and her day inside out to help her adult kids. She drove many miles, spent time frantically "doing", and in the process frazzled herself, missed an appointment, and discombobulated her work day. In hindsight she was fully aware that she could have done it differently. She could have adjusted the time by a few hours, completed her obligations at work, and still helped her kids. She wanted to be a good mom and grandma. She wanted to be helpful and generous. She wanted them to know she is there for them. All good, right? She dove right into what loved ones wanted and requested of her, with no thought - until it was too late - of what it would cost her.
I had a conversation with a woman who is navigating the uncomfortable space of setting boundaries. Honesty and connection are very high value for her. She censored herself in order to avoid having to answer truthfully, should anyone ask about a very private expression of what was on her heart. To do otherwise would be rude wouldn't it? We certainly don't want the OTHER person to feel uncomfortable. Better us than them. Is it okay to hold back a part of ourselves, or are we obligated to tell all just because someone asks? She was able to find a response that felt honest; somewhere between, "None of your business" and sharing things she prefers to keep close.
I can relate to both of these women. I, too, want to be all of those things and can get caught up in wanting to be perceived as a woman who can do it all and has it all together. And not just by others; I want to see MYSELF that way. I just blew my cover. I am extremely relational and want people to feel at ease and safe. I never want to be perceived as closed or rude, and am willing to self disclose. I still stumble over my own boundaries from time to time. My heart knows full well that doing it ALL is ridiculous, that life ebbs and flows, that I do many things extremely well, that I am beautiful, powerful, and enough; but, occasionally my head buys into the message that I am falling short, missing the mark, slacking.
Where does the need to please come from for you? How does it show up?
How do you define success? What constitutes a life well lived?
What are reasonable boundaries? How do you decide and set them?
Please give this some thought and share those thoughts with the rest of us!
Your personal definition of success and what constitutes a life well-lived are the basis of my new book Called Into Motion: Lesson Plans for Life. If you haven't gotten your copy yet click on the book title and order today!
Blessings,
Beth
p.s. Sorting it all can be stressful and confusing. It would be my honor to help you to sort it out and
gain clarity. Call 602.626.8036 or email beth.madigan@cox.net and let's talk about how
coaching can propel you to that new place.
We talked of mothering for the first time and all the challenges and joys inherent in that. We spoke of the things that bring stress and how we cope, in both healthy and unhealthy ways. We barreled head on into what we fear and how lost we are some days; questioning our competence at even the simplest tasks. We find it hard to concentrate or focus. What in the world happened? We NEVER used to feel like this. Is this a permanent condition? Will we be like crazy, spacey Aunt JoJo now?
We tuned into our hearts and listened to what we are really longing for. We took some time to consider what is most important, what our strengths and abilities are, how we get in our own way, how to express our true selves and lay claim to all that we are.
Underneath all of this wonderful thinking, creating, and sharing is the question, "How am I supposed to do all of this? Really. Seriously. How?" Isn't this truly at the core of it all? As women we hear, loud and clear, the message that if you are not doing it all you must be slacking. Let's stir the pot with the many conflicting messages that mess with our heads. Your husband and children come first. Putting yourself first is selfish. Put yourself at the top of the list. Be sweet. Be assertive. Give people what they ask for. Learn to say NO. Be a stay at home mom. Be productive and have something for yourself. Give your kids constructive, scheduled activities. Just let your kids play. Don't get caught up in looks and appearances. Always look your best. There are more important things than an immaculate house. Your home is a reflection of you. Simplify your life. Keep up or you'll get left behind. That's just a sampling and I'm feeling kind of dizzy. What messes with us is that there is some truth in each. It's what makes it so hard to sort it out.
One woman told me how she turned herself and her day inside out to help her adult kids. She drove many miles, spent time frantically "doing", and in the process frazzled herself, missed an appointment, and discombobulated her work day. In hindsight she was fully aware that she could have done it differently. She could have adjusted the time by a few hours, completed her obligations at work, and still helped her kids. She wanted to be a good mom and grandma. She wanted to be helpful and generous. She wanted them to know she is there for them. All good, right? She dove right into what loved ones wanted and requested of her, with no thought - until it was too late - of what it would cost her.
I had a conversation with a woman who is navigating the uncomfortable space of setting boundaries. Honesty and connection are very high value for her. She censored herself in order to avoid having to answer truthfully, should anyone ask about a very private expression of what was on her heart. To do otherwise would be rude wouldn't it? We certainly don't want the OTHER person to feel uncomfortable. Better us than them. Is it okay to hold back a part of ourselves, or are we obligated to tell all just because someone asks? She was able to find a response that felt honest; somewhere between, "None of your business" and sharing things she prefers to keep close.
I can relate to both of these women. I, too, want to be all of those things and can get caught up in wanting to be perceived as a woman who can do it all and has it all together. And not just by others; I want to see MYSELF that way. I just blew my cover. I am extremely relational and want people to feel at ease and safe. I never want to be perceived as closed or rude, and am willing to self disclose. I still stumble over my own boundaries from time to time. My heart knows full well that doing it ALL is ridiculous, that life ebbs and flows, that I do many things extremely well, that I am beautiful, powerful, and enough; but, occasionally my head buys into the message that I am falling short, missing the mark, slacking.
Where does the need to please come from for you? How does it show up?
How do you define success? What constitutes a life well lived?
What are reasonable boundaries? How do you decide and set them?
Please give this some thought and share those thoughts with the rest of us!
Your personal definition of success and what constitutes a life well-lived are the basis of my new book Called Into Motion: Lesson Plans for Life. If you haven't gotten your copy yet click on the book title and order today!
Blessings,
Beth
p.s. Sorting it all can be stressful and confusing. It would be my honor to help you to sort it out and
gain clarity. Call 602.626.8036 or email beth.madigan@cox.net and let's talk about how
coaching can propel you to that new place.
Friday, September 21, 2012
Stop "Should-ing" on Yourself
I am WOMAN, hear me roar. I can bring home the bacon and fry it up in the pan. That's what I am supposed to do, isn't it? I should take care of my home, my kids, my car, my yard. I should cultivate intimacy, and fun, and romance with my husband - and look good doing it. I should volunteer and be on boards and committees. I should be in great shape and feed my family homemade organic foods. I should be able to problem solve quickly, and handle life's ups and downs. I should be competent and happy. I should be healthy and strong and not get sick. I should keep busy and not "goof off". And, I should be generous and gracious at all times, thinking only of others.
This list may seem extreme, but I want to emphasize something here. Moms are racked with guilt and" shoulds" and are doubting and second guessing themselves at every turn. The TODAY show and the Washington Post have recently addressed the issue. A study done at the University of Maryland says that moms are spending more time with their children; up by about 4 hours per week over moms of 40 years ago. This is in spite of that fact that 75% of moms with children under 18 work outside the home at least part-time. There is a lot more pressure on moms to be, do, and have it all - yet, they are making more time for their kids.
Stephen Glenn, author of Developing Capable Young People, has found that families that devote any regularly scheduled time at all - as little as 30 minutes a week with small children and 30 minutes a month with older children - to some activity, tradition, or family ritual, have children who are more self confident, perform better academically, and express more optimism about themselves and the world. These are measurable, demonstrable differences. The findings certainly make a case for creating and implementing family rituals and traditions and we will talk more about that later. The point is, moms, that even small amounts of regular, conscious, loving interaction with your kids pay off big time. There are no perfect mothers - or fathers or children. All the guilt is based on your perception of what "should" be happening and how others, particularly other MOMS, view you.
We all have a voice in our head that provides regular commentary. If that inner self talk is negative and critical, and we allow it to go on, it will grow until we believe it and adopt it as truth.
Try this short exercise:
Stand comfortably, with your hands at your sides. Think your most guilty thought or your biggest "should" - the one that makes you feel really crummy. Notice how your body responds. Pay attention to the position of your head, where your eyes go, your breathing. How does your stomach feel? Are you aware of your heart? Do you feel grounded in your feet and legs? Where are your hands? Just observe.
Now, move two big steps to the right and take a deep breath. Think about what you do really well, something you are proud of and pleased about yourself. Put it into a sentence that begins "I am___" Make the same observations. What is different? What message does your body send to you? How do you feel when you think this thought? Repeat as needed; whenever you begin to let guilt and "should" take control. Call one of your best friends and ask her what she values about you and your mothering. Do the same for her and agree to check in with each other on this issue from time to time.
"It's not how much we do but how much love we put into what we do."
- Mother Teresa - Know that you are more than enough.
Blessings,
Beth
This list may seem extreme, but I want to emphasize something here. Moms are racked with guilt and" shoulds" and are doubting and second guessing themselves at every turn. The TODAY show and the Washington Post have recently addressed the issue. A study done at the University of Maryland says that moms are spending more time with their children; up by about 4 hours per week over moms of 40 years ago. This is in spite of that fact that 75% of moms with children under 18 work outside the home at least part-time. There is a lot more pressure on moms to be, do, and have it all - yet, they are making more time for their kids.
Stephen Glenn, author of Developing Capable Young People, has found that families that devote any regularly scheduled time at all - as little as 30 minutes a week with small children and 30 minutes a month with older children - to some activity, tradition, or family ritual, have children who are more self confident, perform better academically, and express more optimism about themselves and the world. These are measurable, demonstrable differences. The findings certainly make a case for creating and implementing family rituals and traditions and we will talk more about that later. The point is, moms, that even small amounts of regular, conscious, loving interaction with your kids pay off big time. There are no perfect mothers - or fathers or children. All the guilt is based on your perception of what "should" be happening and how others, particularly other MOMS, view you.
We all have a voice in our head that provides regular commentary. If that inner self talk is negative and critical, and we allow it to go on, it will grow until we believe it and adopt it as truth.
Try this short exercise:
Stand comfortably, with your hands at your sides. Think your most guilty thought or your biggest "should" - the one that makes you feel really crummy. Notice how your body responds. Pay attention to the position of your head, where your eyes go, your breathing. How does your stomach feel? Are you aware of your heart? Do you feel grounded in your feet and legs? Where are your hands? Just observe.
Now, move two big steps to the right and take a deep breath. Think about what you do really well, something you are proud of and pleased about yourself. Put it into a sentence that begins "I am___" Make the same observations. What is different? What message does your body send to you? How do you feel when you think this thought? Repeat as needed; whenever you begin to let guilt and "should" take control. Call one of your best friends and ask her what she values about you and your mothering. Do the same for her and agree to check in with each other on this issue from time to time.
"It's not how much we do but how much love we put into what we do."
- Mother Teresa - Know that you are more than enough.
Blessings,
Beth
Monday, September 17, 2012
What's Your Story Today?
A couple weeks ago I got to spend an evening with some delightful, creative women. My friend Noel Barto donates her time and energy and amazing creativity to help people express their story. Check out http://www.facebook.com/RagCollection, especially the photos of these people in action! Their tag line is ART + HeART and she has it in spades.
I am not wildly artistic - in the traditional artist kind of way. My thing is words and lots of talking and processing. So there I was, at a paper covered table, surrounded by a plethora of art supplies. The possibilities were literally endless and I was meant to "just express myself" in any way I chose. I think I asked for a tad more direction. Noel handed me a whole page of questions she had formulated for people like me who need words and assignment with their art expression. Oh joy! Oh delight!
I had, in fact, had a pretty profound experience that morning with a group I facilitate. My remarkable MTS ladies - you know who you are! One of the questions was "What was amazing or hard about today?" I chose to express amazing and got to it. With cardboard, glittery flowers and butterflies, markers, images, words, paint, stamps and ink, and three luscious colors of GLITTER, (when was the last time you glittered anything?) I VERY satisfactorily expressed what was amazing about my day - in a way I would never have done without going to art nite. I left with a sense of accomplishment, a deep peace, lovely relaxation, and joy at the company I had kept. I will remember and repeat this process and I encourage you to let your artist flag fly - this week! Don't let the opportunity be postponed and lost.
You know I am big on journaling and its power to transform and give clarity. Writing is always a good option for expressing your story. However, I would like to challenge you to use some other medium and really stretch yourself. Here are a few of Noel's questions to get you started (if you need that sort of nudge) and I will throw out others from time to time to keep your creative pump primed.
What is in my heart today?
Who am I becoming today?
Where do I see beauty today?
Please let us know what came out! Go create!
Blessings,
Beth
I am not wildly artistic - in the traditional artist kind of way. My thing is words and lots of talking and processing. So there I was, at a paper covered table, surrounded by a plethora of art supplies. The possibilities were literally endless and I was meant to "just express myself" in any way I chose. I think I asked for a tad more direction. Noel handed me a whole page of questions she had formulated for people like me who need words and assignment with their art expression. Oh joy! Oh delight!
I had, in fact, had a pretty profound experience that morning with a group I facilitate. My remarkable MTS ladies - you know who you are! One of the questions was "What was amazing or hard about today?" I chose to express amazing and got to it. With cardboard, glittery flowers and butterflies, markers, images, words, paint, stamps and ink, and three luscious colors of GLITTER, (when was the last time you glittered anything?) I VERY satisfactorily expressed what was amazing about my day - in a way I would never have done without going to art nite. I left with a sense of accomplishment, a deep peace, lovely relaxation, and joy at the company I had kept. I will remember and repeat this process and I encourage you to let your artist flag fly - this week! Don't let the opportunity be postponed and lost.
You know I am big on journaling and its power to transform and give clarity. Writing is always a good option for expressing your story. However, I would like to challenge you to use some other medium and really stretch yourself. Here are a few of Noel's questions to get you started (if you need that sort of nudge) and I will throw out others from time to time to keep your creative pump primed.
What is in my heart today?
Who am I becoming today?
Where do I see beauty today?
Please let us know what came out! Go create!
Blessings,
Beth
Saturday, September 15, 2012
Exactly!
After yesterday's post my sister had this video on facebook, saying it was exactly what we were talking about here.
Take a look at this and be uplifted, inspired, challenged, and blessed. This delightful young man, literally shaking in his boots from nerves, moved past all the negative voices (internal and external), took the T off can'T and gave it his all. The epitome of feel the fear and do it anyway! (That is the title of a great book by Susan Jeffers PhD)
You are each a one-of-a-kind genius gift to the world. Just as the judge asked Christopher how in the world he had hidden his remarkable voice for 34 years - don't let it be said of you that you hid your unique, divinely designed, talent and ability from the rest of us. We are waiting for you. We need what you have to offer. Go and SHINE!
Of course, there's a great lesson for that in my new book too - Embrace Your Inner _______!
Get your copy of Called Into Motion: Lesson Plans for Life and start embracing.
What is it you are longing to attempt but fear and negativity get in your way?
Blessings,
Beth
p.s. God Bless all the Nans who are offering unwavering encouragement and belief!
Take a look at this and be uplifted, inspired, challenged, and blessed. This delightful young man, literally shaking in his boots from nerves, moved past all the negative voices (internal and external), took the T off can'T and gave it his all. The epitome of feel the fear and do it anyway! (That is the title of a great book by Susan Jeffers PhD)
You are each a one-of-a-kind genius gift to the world. Just as the judge asked Christopher how in the world he had hidden his remarkable voice for 34 years - don't let it be said of you that you hid your unique, divinely designed, talent and ability from the rest of us. We are waiting for you. We need what you have to offer. Go and SHINE!
Of course, there's a great lesson for that in my new book too - Embrace Your Inner _______!
Get your copy of Called Into Motion: Lesson Plans for Life and start embracing.
What is it you are longing to attempt but fear and negativity get in your way?
Blessings,
Beth
p.s. God Bless all the Nans who are offering unwavering encouragement and belief!
Friday, September 14, 2012
Labels and Expectations
Thank you to all those who have purchased Called Into Motion! I only got a copy in my hands yesterday and it is a kick for sure! I am honored by your interest and appreciate your presence in my life and work.
The posts this week have been based on a conversation between David Gergen, editor of U.S. News and World Report and Dr. Ben Carson, world-renowned neurosurgeon and author of The Big Picture: Getting Perspective on What's Really Important in Life. If you missed Monday or Wednesday, I hope you will take a few minutes to catch up.
Until he was ten years old Dr. Carson's nickname was Dummy. Here's what he says about that. "And one of the interesting things is, when I thought I was stupid, I conducted myself like a stupid person, and therefore I achieved like a stupid person; and when I was smart-- or I was smart all along, obviously-- but when I thought I was smart, I began to conduct myself accordingly and to begin to achieve accordingly." Go back and read that again. Think how this very same thought process has played out in your life, or the life of your child. Maybe not about being smart - how about fat, not athletic, shy, obnoxious, lazy, crazy, perfectionist,....? Or any other characteristic or label that was put on you, by yourself or someone else?
When I speak to groups of parents I use a wonderful video called Animal School. You can view it at www.raisingsmallsouls.com. All the animal parents decided to start a school. All the animal kids would, of course, study the same four courses: Running, Climbing, Swimming, Flying. Duck was great at swimming but only passable at flying and running - and hopeless at climbing. He spent swim class having a tutorial in climbing. Soon he lost his greatness at swimming and was still hopeless at climbing.
Squirrel got an A in climbing but his flying teacher made him start on the ground instead of in the treetops. His legs got so tired from practicing takeoffs all his grades suffered.
The eagle was labeled a "troublemaker" because he insisted on doing every subject his own way.
You get the idea. No two of us are the same. Each one of us is divinely created with a unique set of gifts and abilities. We don't think exactly the same, approach a problem in just the same way, perform or move in the same way, or experience things in precisely the same way as others. We do not have the very same desires, dreams, or goals as another.
When the animal kids had the exact same expectations put on each of them, regardless of design or ability, the whole animal community was negatively impacted. Those kids became "troublemakers", "socially inept", "underachievers", and all manner of negative things - none of it true. What is true is that we will often rise or fall to expectations and labels and the voice in our head.
Malcolm Forbes says, "Too many people overvalue what they are not, and undervalue what they are." Dr. Ben Carson agrees and believes it is one of the critical areas of our society. You are a one-of-a-kind blend of talents, personality, and ingredients not found anywhere else! Be YOU. go and SHINE! Work through the Audit Your Life and Rewrite Your Story lessons in my new book Called Into Motion: Lesson Plans for Life and let me know what you discover!
Blessings,
Beth
The posts this week have been based on a conversation between David Gergen, editor of U.S. News and World Report and Dr. Ben Carson, world-renowned neurosurgeon and author of The Big Picture: Getting Perspective on What's Really Important in Life. If you missed Monday or Wednesday, I hope you will take a few minutes to catch up.
Until he was ten years old Dr. Carson's nickname was Dummy. Here's what he says about that. "And one of the interesting things is, when I thought I was stupid, I conducted myself like a stupid person, and therefore I achieved like a stupid person; and when I was smart-- or I was smart all along, obviously-- but when I thought I was smart, I began to conduct myself accordingly and to begin to achieve accordingly." Go back and read that again. Think how this very same thought process has played out in your life, or the life of your child. Maybe not about being smart - how about fat, not athletic, shy, obnoxious, lazy, crazy, perfectionist,....? Or any other characteristic or label that was put on you, by yourself or someone else?
When I speak to groups of parents I use a wonderful video called Animal School. You can view it at www.raisingsmallsouls.com. All the animal parents decided to start a school. All the animal kids would, of course, study the same four courses: Running, Climbing, Swimming, Flying. Duck was great at swimming but only passable at flying and running - and hopeless at climbing. He spent swim class having a tutorial in climbing. Soon he lost his greatness at swimming and was still hopeless at climbing.
Squirrel got an A in climbing but his flying teacher made him start on the ground instead of in the treetops. His legs got so tired from practicing takeoffs all his grades suffered.
The eagle was labeled a "troublemaker" because he insisted on doing every subject his own way.
You get the idea. No two of us are the same. Each one of us is divinely created with a unique set of gifts and abilities. We don't think exactly the same, approach a problem in just the same way, perform or move in the same way, or experience things in precisely the same way as others. We do not have the very same desires, dreams, or goals as another.
When the animal kids had the exact same expectations put on each of them, regardless of design or ability, the whole animal community was negatively impacted. Those kids became "troublemakers", "socially inept", "underachievers", and all manner of negative things - none of it true. What is true is that we will often rise or fall to expectations and labels and the voice in our head.
Malcolm Forbes says, "Too many people overvalue what they are not, and undervalue what they are." Dr. Ben Carson agrees and believes it is one of the critical areas of our society. You are a one-of-a-kind blend of talents, personality, and ingredients not found anywhere else! Be YOU. go and SHINE! Work through the Audit Your Life and Rewrite Your Story lessons in my new book Called Into Motion: Lesson Plans for Life and let me know what you discover!
Blessings,
Beth
Wednesday, September 12, 2012
Garbage IN Garbage OUT
My new book Called Into Motion: Lesson Plans for Life is available through AuthorHouse.com
I know it will help you think about some important things, ask yourself the right questions, and formulate some answers! Let me know what you think.
Monday I shared some of a fascinating conversation between David Gergen, editor of U.S. News and World Report and Dr. Ben Carson, world-renowned neurosurgeon and author of The Big Picture: Getting Perspective on What's Really Important in Life. If you missed it, it's about the value of hardship and is worth the quick read.
Dr. Carson also talked a lot about his mom - a wonderfully wise woman despite a third grade education. She never embraced a victim mentality, never felt sorry for herself or her boys, never accepted excuses. He remembers her lesson on racism. "...if it comes to something like racism, for instance, my mother used to always say, 'If you walk into an auditorium full of racist, bigoted people," she said, "you don't have a problem. They have a problem.
Because when you walk in, they're going to cringe and wonder if you're going to sit next to them, whereas you can go sit anywhere you want. So let them worry about it if they want to. You don't have to do that.' And, you know, that's the whole concept in terms of the victim's mentality. You either accept it and become a victim, or you deny it and become a victor." Sheer brilliance!
David Gergen asked him what happened between ages 10 and 12, when he went from being the dummy to one of the brightest kids in the class. Here comes some more Mama Carson brilliance!
His mom prayed and asked God for help in raising her boys. (First brilliant step) She limited t.v. to just a few shows a week and required two books, complete with book reports, to fill the extra time.
Lo and behold, he began to enjoy reading. (We have lost the joy and wonder of a library card and limitless choices)
"Because we were desperately poor, never had enough money to do anything, but between the covers of those pages, I could go anywhere in the world, be anybody, do anything.
You know, my imagination began to run wild. I began reading about research chemists, and I could see myself in a laboratory, pouring things from test tubes, the beakers and seeing the foam rising.
And I became excited and began to visualize myself in intellectual capacities, and, you know, within the space of a year and a half, I went from the bottom of the class to the top of the class."
This is loaded! It is about raising expectations, stimulating imagination, fostering interest, encouraging those interests, engaging in discovery conversation, banishing negative labels, and nudging more and greater accomplishments. Andi it is about unplugging...
In my book Called Into Motion I use the computer term GIGO in one of the lessons, Garbage IN Garbage OUT. Words and images have power. The Law of Exposure tells us that our mind will think about what we expose it to. If we fill our minds with vacuous and negative words and images, something less than enthusiasm and brilliance is likely to come out. What are you exposing your mind and heart to that is less than you would like, less than uplifting or worthwhile? Are you willing to change that exposure? Get a copy of the book and work through the lesson. Let me know what you think.
Blessings,
Beth
I know it will help you think about some important things, ask yourself the right questions, and formulate some answers! Let me know what you think.
Monday I shared some of a fascinating conversation between David Gergen, editor of U.S. News and World Report and Dr. Ben Carson, world-renowned neurosurgeon and author of The Big Picture: Getting Perspective on What's Really Important in Life. If you missed it, it's about the value of hardship and is worth the quick read.
Dr. Carson also talked a lot about his mom - a wonderfully wise woman despite a third grade education. She never embraced a victim mentality, never felt sorry for herself or her boys, never accepted excuses. He remembers her lesson on racism. "...if it comes to something like racism, for instance, my mother used to always say, 'If you walk into an auditorium full of racist, bigoted people," she said, "you don't have a problem. They have a problem.
Because when you walk in, they're going to cringe and wonder if you're going to sit next to them, whereas you can go sit anywhere you want. So let them worry about it if they want to. You don't have to do that.' And, you know, that's the whole concept in terms of the victim's mentality. You either accept it and become a victim, or you deny it and become a victor." Sheer brilliance!
David Gergen asked him what happened between ages 10 and 12, when he went from being the dummy to one of the brightest kids in the class. Here comes some more Mama Carson brilliance!
His mom prayed and asked God for help in raising her boys. (First brilliant step) She limited t.v. to just a few shows a week and required two books, complete with book reports, to fill the extra time.
Lo and behold, he began to enjoy reading. (We have lost the joy and wonder of a library card and limitless choices)
"Because we were desperately poor, never had enough money to do anything, but between the covers of those pages, I could go anywhere in the world, be anybody, do anything.
You know, my imagination began to run wild. I began reading about research chemists, and I could see myself in a laboratory, pouring things from test tubes, the beakers and seeing the foam rising.
And I became excited and began to visualize myself in intellectual capacities, and, you know, within the space of a year and a half, I went from the bottom of the class to the top of the class."
This is loaded! It is about raising expectations, stimulating imagination, fostering interest, encouraging those interests, engaging in discovery conversation, banishing negative labels, and nudging more and greater accomplishments. Andi it is about unplugging...
In my book Called Into Motion I use the computer term GIGO in one of the lessons, Garbage IN Garbage OUT. Words and images have power. The Law of Exposure tells us that our mind will think about what we expose it to. If we fill our minds with vacuous and negative words and images, something less than enthusiasm and brilliance is likely to come out. What are you exposing your mind and heart to that is less than you would like, less than uplifting or worthwhile? Are you willing to change that exposure? Get a copy of the book and work through the lesson. Let me know what you think.
Blessings,
Beth
Monday, September 10, 2012
Adversity and MOTION
I am thrilled to announce that my new book Called Into Motion : Lesson Plans for Life is available! Read more about it and get your copy at AuthorHouse.com. I would love any and all feedback! Beth
Perusing the Daily Good (Sept. 8 2012), I read a fascinating conversation between David Gergen, editor of U.S. News and World Report and Ben Carson, world-renowned neurosurgeon and author of The Big Picture: Getting Perspective on What's Really Important in Life.
When Dr. Carson's father left the family, he and his mother and brother wound up living in a tenement in Boston - "rats, roaches, gangs, sirens and murders". His classmates and teachers nicknamed him "dummy".
When asked by Gergen what message he has for the young people he speaks to, Carson talks about the loss of the can-do-attitude Americans used to have. He says it has been replaced with a what-can-you-do-for-me? attitude that must change if we are to maintain world prominence in technology and science. He notes that great civilizations and nations of the past "became enamored of lifestyles of the rich and famous, sort of lost their moral compass, and forgot about the things that made them into great nations, and deteriorated."
"You know, the brain can process two million bits of information per second. It remembers everything you've ever seen, everything you've ever heard, and with brains like these, we really shouldn't be wandering around talking about what we can't do; we should be trying to create an atmosphere that helps our young people to realize that, whatever they can imagine, they can achieve."
One of Dr. Carson's basic messages is about hardship - "The thing that I think makes for a successful life is learning how to navigate through those problems, using the appropriate amount of perspective, and making yourself valuable, not only to yourself, but to the people around you. I think that's what true success is all about, and that's my message."
I think Dr. Carson is sending a beautiful and much needed message to our young people. In my new book, Called Into Motion, one of the Lesson Plans is Blessed by Misfortune. We can't choose our circumstances but we can choose how we respond to them. Helping our children (and ourselves) to develop a healthy relationship with trying and failing, and trying again is a great gift. When coaching clients tell me about a challenge or difficulty I encourage them to reframe it. I ask, "How is this also good?" For each of us, if we will allow it to, adversity sharpens and shapes us. How has adversity shaped you - positively or negatively? What are your tools for successfully navigating adversity?
Please share your thoughts. Wednesday I will be sharing more of Dr. Carson's wisdom and brilliance and how he went from "Dummy" to top of his field.
Blessings,
Beth
p.s. Dr. Carson was appointed head of brain surgery for children at Johns Hopkins University at the age of 33. Today, at 48, he is world renowned in the field of neurosurgery, separating siamese twins and performing ground breaking brain surgery. Not bad for a dummy...
Perusing the Daily Good (Sept. 8 2012), I read a fascinating conversation between David Gergen, editor of U.S. News and World Report and Ben Carson, world-renowned neurosurgeon and author of The Big Picture: Getting Perspective on What's Really Important in Life.
When Dr. Carson's father left the family, he and his mother and brother wound up living in a tenement in Boston - "rats, roaches, gangs, sirens and murders". His classmates and teachers nicknamed him "dummy".
When asked by Gergen what message he has for the young people he speaks to, Carson talks about the loss of the can-do-attitude Americans used to have. He says it has been replaced with a what-can-you-do-for-me? attitude that must change if we are to maintain world prominence in technology and science. He notes that great civilizations and nations of the past "became enamored of lifestyles of the rich and famous, sort of lost their moral compass, and forgot about the things that made them into great nations, and deteriorated."
"You know, the brain can process two million bits of information per second. It remembers everything you've ever seen, everything you've ever heard, and with brains like these, we really shouldn't be wandering around talking about what we can't do; we should be trying to create an atmosphere that helps our young people to realize that, whatever they can imagine, they can achieve."
One of Dr. Carson's basic messages is about hardship - "The thing that I think makes for a successful life is learning how to navigate through those problems, using the appropriate amount of perspective, and making yourself valuable, not only to yourself, but to the people around you. I think that's what true success is all about, and that's my message."
I think Dr. Carson is sending a beautiful and much needed message to our young people. In my new book, Called Into Motion, one of the Lesson Plans is Blessed by Misfortune. We can't choose our circumstances but we can choose how we respond to them. Helping our children (and ourselves) to develop a healthy relationship with trying and failing, and trying again is a great gift. When coaching clients tell me about a challenge or difficulty I encourage them to reframe it. I ask, "How is this also good?" For each of us, if we will allow it to, adversity sharpens and shapes us. How has adversity shaped you - positively or negatively? What are your tools for successfully navigating adversity?
Please share your thoughts. Wednesday I will be sharing more of Dr. Carson's wisdom and brilliance and how he went from "Dummy" to top of his field.
Blessings,
Beth
p.s. Dr. Carson was appointed head of brain surgery for children at Johns Hopkins University at the age of 33. Today, at 48, he is world renowned in the field of neurosurgery, separating siamese twins and performing ground breaking brain surgery. Not bad for a dummy...
Tuesday, September 4, 2012
How's Your Happiness Gene?
Hello! Hope you all had labor-free weekend and got some much needed rest and relaxation. Lots of excitement around here - after much encouragement from so many of you, I got my newsletters into a workbook format that has been published and will be available next week! The title is Called Into Motion...Lesson Plans for Life and I am anxious to have each of you get a copy, make some brave discoveries and changes, and give me your feedback; particularly after you read today's post...
I read this article on Newsmax Health August 30, 2012. www.newsmaxhealth.com
I read this article on Newsmax Health August 30, 2012. www.newsmaxhealth.com
"Scientists say they've discovered a happiness gene that may explain
why women tend to be more chipper than their male counterparts.
It's called MAOMA, or monoamine oxidase A,
which, surprisingly, has also been related to negative behaviors like
alcoholism, aggressiveness and antisocial behavior, says a team of US
scientists.
But in their study, the researchers found
that the same, low-activity form of the gene was also associated with
higher self-reported happiness in women. Results were published in the
journal Progress in Neuro-Psychopharmacology & Biological Psychiatry
and released this week.
Overall, while women experience higher rates
of mood and anxiety disorders, they also tend to report greater life
happiness than men, the study pointed out.
To investigate why this may be, scientists
from the University of South Florida, Columbia University, the National
Institutes of Health and the New York State Psychiatric Institute
examined the role of MAOA. The gene works by regulating an enzyme which
breaks down the brain's ‘feel-good' chemicals like serotonin and
dopamine. The low-expression version of MAOA allows larger amounts of
these neurotransmitters to stay in the brain and boost mood.
A total of 345 subject participated in the
study, of which 193 were women and 152 were men. DNA samples were taken
to analyze for MAOA gene variation, and participants were asked to rate
their levels of happiness.
Where the study becomes interesting,
however, is that men who carried the same "happy" gene were no more
content than those who didn't carry it.
One possible explanation is that testosterone may cancel out the positive effects of the MAOA gene, researchers theorize.
"Maybe men are happier before adolescence because their testosterone levels are lower," surmised lead author Henian Chen.
Meanwhile, authors of another study
published in the Journal of Happiness Studies in 2008 found that while
women may start out happier in life, men often catch up, overtaking them
on the happiness scale during the later stages of life.
The main reason? Unfulfilled life goals, researchers said."
Certainly, we are aware of the role of hormones in mood and health. Psychologist Erik Erikson developed 8 stages of development from infancy to late adulthood. The stage from (approximately) age 40-64 is Generativity vs. Stagnation and is concerned with life impact and legacy. Does my life matter? Have (or can) I make an impact on society and future generations? Have I been successful and productive? If we don't see our lives in a positive light - if we haven't accomplished the goals we set out to - we tend toward stagnation and a sense of despair.
What do you think? Some questions that come to mind for me:
- Do men and women use the same internal/thought measures for happiness?
Studies show that married men are more optimistic and live longer than their single counterparts.
- Do women sacrifice a level of happiness for the man in their lives? If so how?
- How do societal, personal, religious expectations play into a happiness decline for women?
- What contributes to greater mood and anxiety disorders, yet overall higher happiness ratings for
women?
- What keeps women from fulfilling their life goals?
- Does the aging process (physical/biological) affect female happiness differently than men? Come
on all you medical people - help us understand this!
Tom Rath and Donal O. Clifton, with Gallup, developed an assessment of 34 personal strengths that has been given to over 10 million people world-wide. Fewer than one third "strongly agree'" with the statement:
"At work, I have the opportunity to do what I do best every day."
- How does happiness correlate with work satisfaction?
- How does happiness correlate with using our innate gifts? Or not using them?
This is kind of a long post, but it is fascinating - and important I think! Please post your thoughts. Let's unpack this a little. Stay tuned for Called Into Motion. Working through the lessons will shed
some light on this for you. I am always available to help you ask the right questions and reach those life goals! Call or e-mail me to explore how coaching can move you in the direction you REALLY want to go.
Blessings,
Beth
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)