I had the privilege and great fun of spending time with two groups of amazing women this week. I so appreciate how open and honest you all are, how you share your wisdom and allow me to pass it on.
We talked of mothering for the first time and all the challenges and joys inherent in that. We spoke of the things that bring stress and how we cope, in both healthy and unhealthy ways. We barreled head on into what we fear and how lost we are some days; questioning our competence at even the simplest tasks. We find it hard to concentrate or focus. What in the world happened? We NEVER used to feel like this. Is this a permanent condition? Will we be like crazy, spacey Aunt JoJo now?
We tuned into our hearts and listened to what we are really longing for. We took some time to consider what is most important, what our strengths and abilities are, how we get in our own way, how to express our true selves and lay claim to all that we are.
Underneath all of this wonderful thinking, creating, and sharing is the question, "How am I supposed to do all of this? Really. Seriously. How?" Isn't this truly at the core of it all? As women we hear, loud and clear, the message that if you are not doing it all you must be slacking. Let's stir the pot with the many conflicting messages that mess with our heads. Your husband and children come first. Putting yourself first is selfish. Put yourself at the top of the list. Be sweet. Be assertive. Give people what they ask for. Learn to say NO. Be a stay at home mom. Be productive and have something for yourself. Give your kids constructive, scheduled activities. Just let your kids play. Don't get caught up in looks and appearances. Always look your best. There are more important things than an immaculate house. Your home is a reflection of you. Simplify your life. Keep up or you'll get left behind. That's just a sampling and I'm feeling kind of dizzy. What messes with us is that there is some truth in each. It's what makes it so hard to sort it out.
One woman told me how she turned herself and her day inside out to help her adult kids. She drove many miles, spent time frantically "doing", and in the process frazzled herself, missed an appointment, and discombobulated her work day. In hindsight she was fully aware that she could have done it differently. She could have adjusted the time by a few hours, completed her obligations at work, and still helped her kids. She wanted to be a good mom and grandma. She wanted to be helpful and generous. She wanted them to know she is there for them. All good, right? She dove right into what loved ones wanted and requested of her, with no thought - until it was too late - of what it would cost her.
I had a conversation with a woman who is navigating the uncomfortable space of setting boundaries. Honesty and connection are very high value for her. She censored herself in order to avoid having to answer truthfully, should anyone ask about a very private expression of what was on her heart. To do otherwise would be rude wouldn't it? We certainly don't want the OTHER person to feel uncomfortable. Better us than them. Is it okay to hold back a part of ourselves, or are we obligated to tell all just because someone asks? She was able to find a response that felt honest; somewhere between, "None of your business" and sharing things she prefers to keep close.
I can relate to both of these women. I, too, want to be all of those things and can get caught up in wanting to be perceived as a woman who can do it all and has it all together. And not just by others; I want to see MYSELF that way. I just blew my cover. I am extremely relational and want people to feel at ease and safe. I never want to be perceived as closed or rude, and am willing to self disclose. I still stumble over my own boundaries from time to time. My heart knows full well that doing it ALL is ridiculous, that life ebbs and flows, that I do many things extremely well, that I am beautiful, powerful, and enough; but, occasionally my head buys into the message that I am falling short, missing the mark, slacking.
Where does the need to please come from for you? How does it show up?
How do you define success? What constitutes a life well lived?
What are reasonable boundaries? How do you decide and set them?
Please give this some thought and share those thoughts with the rest of us!
Your personal definition of success and what constitutes a life well-lived are the basis of my new book Called Into Motion: Lesson Plans for Life. If you haven't gotten your copy yet click on the book title and order today!
Blessings,
Beth
p.s. Sorting it all can be stressful and confusing. It would be my honor to help you to sort it out and
gain clarity. Call 602.626.8036 or email beth.madigan@cox.net and let's talk about how
coaching can propel you to that new place.
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