I am WOMAN, hear me roar. I can bring home the bacon and fry it up in the pan. That's what I am supposed to do, isn't it? I should take care of my home, my kids, my car, my yard. I should cultivate intimacy, and fun, and romance with my husband - and look good doing it. I should volunteer and be on boards and committees. I should be in great shape and feed my family homemade organic foods. I should be able to problem solve quickly, and handle life's ups and downs. I should be competent and happy. I should be healthy and strong and not get sick. I should keep busy and not "goof off". And, I should be generous and gracious at all times, thinking only of others.
This list may seem extreme, but I want to emphasize something here. Moms are racked with guilt and" shoulds" and are doubting and second guessing themselves at every turn. The TODAY show and the Washington Post have recently addressed the issue. A study done at the University of Maryland says that moms are spending more time with their children; up by about 4 hours per week over moms of 40 years ago. This is in spite of that fact that 75% of moms with children under 18 work outside the home at least part-time. There is a lot more pressure on moms to be, do, and have it all - yet, they are making more time for their kids.
Stephen Glenn, author of Developing Capable Young People, has found that families that devote any regularly scheduled time at all - as little as 30 minutes a week with small children and 30 minutes a month with older children - to some activity, tradition, or family ritual, have children who are more self confident, perform better academically, and express more optimism about themselves and the world. These are measurable, demonstrable differences. The findings certainly make a case for creating and implementing family rituals and traditions and we will talk more about that later. The point is, moms, that even small amounts of regular, conscious, loving interaction with your kids pay off big time. There are no perfect mothers - or fathers or children. All the guilt is based on your perception of what "should" be happening and how others, particularly other MOMS, view you.
We all have a voice in our head that provides regular commentary. If that inner self talk is negative and critical, and we allow it to go on, it will grow until we believe it and adopt it as truth.
Try this short exercise:
Stand comfortably, with your hands at your sides. Think your most guilty thought or your biggest "should" - the one that makes you feel really crummy. Notice how your body responds. Pay attention to the position of your head, where your eyes go, your breathing. How does your stomach feel? Are you aware of your heart? Do you feel grounded in your feet and legs? Where are your hands? Just observe.
Now, move two big steps to the right and take a deep breath. Think about what you do really well, something you are proud of and pleased about yourself. Put it into a sentence that begins "I am___" Make the same observations. What is different? What message does your body send to you? How do you feel when you think this thought? Repeat as needed; whenever you begin to let guilt and "should" take control. Call one of your best friends and ask her what she values about you and your mothering. Do the same for her and agree to check in with each other on this issue from time to time.
"It's not how much we do but how much love we put into what we do."
- Mother Teresa - Know that you are more than enough.
Blessings,
Beth
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