Our conversation about sorting things out wouldn't be complete without addressing our friendships. They can be pretty tough to sort out and navigate; tougher still to see them grow, deepen, and flourish in health over the years. Why do you suppose that is? We want them. We're willing to carve out time and put our energy and heart into them. We need them. We long for our friends to "be there" for us when the road gets rough.
In The Friends We Keep, by Sarah Z. Davis, she describes the space that develops - from small sleights, larger hurts, misunderstandings - and grows to potentially friendship-threatening proportions. We are unsure what to do. We wonder if maybe we should do nothing and hope it will get better. Sarah says there is another kind of space between us.
"It is the space we need to save ourselves or even to preserve our relationship. One of the Hebrew words for "salvation" is also used to mean "space". And there are times when that space can save us. Space can give us perspective, time to breathe, time to listen."
She ponders how we can give space to our friendship without the risk it will fade away. After all, we can be uncomfortable with silence. We don't know how to handle space-creating emptiness, disappointment, and loss.
Sarah reminds us that, "Space allows us to grow, and without it we are stifled, our growth stunted. When we grieve we want to rush to feel better so we don't hurt, rather than allow space for that grieving. When things aren't right with another person we care about, we often rush to fill the space, forcing things to surface that are not yet ready...
How do we know what a friend requires? Sometimes we just don't know, even when we've known her through many of life's seasons. Sometimes we don't know what we want for ourselves. Sometimes we get what we need, only to find we don't need it anymore. And anyway, even if we do know what to do for our friend at one time, it may not be that way next time. The point is we can never stop paying attention...There are times in friendship when we need to simply accept what people are able to give. That is part of being a friend. It is necessary to put away the expectations, the goals, the fixing and longing for how it could be, and simply be and allow our friend to do the same."
- What relationship in your life has some space now - or needs some space now?
- As you think about this how do you describe the difference between space and distance?
- Is there another question you need to ask that would take you to the real issue?
- Where do you need to pay attention? Where have you stopped paying attention?
This is a challenging conversation. Thank you for the courage to share your thoughts!
Please check out my new book Called Into Motion: Lesson Plans for Life for more provocative discussions. Get one for a friend too!
Blessings,
Beth
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